By The Stroke Of A Pen

“Why do some governments persist in issuing adopted children with new birth certificates, which is a fabrication” (Robinson), reads the second sentence in the introduction, from Evelyn Burns Robinson’s rant against adoption. I have tried to stay fair in my naming of her feelings however she is very venomous and totally against adoption. Robinson compares adoption to slavery, as human beings bought and sold like cattle. She states that no matter the type of family history or dynamics, that children should be taken in by family members until the mother who in her mind is just having a hard time can once again take care of the child. “Women must stop taking other women’s children,” is her answer to the adoption quandary. Her idea is that babies are taken from someone who is financially insecure and placed with someone who can only offer the child more stuff. Robinson feels that the love of a birth mother can never be equaled by an adoptive parent. While her view is of that as a birthmother who is letting her remorse over her own decision cloud the so many wonderful experiences of birth mothers, adopted children and adoptive families. Adoption is and always has been a vital and important part of our society to give a child a forever family. The singular view of one birthmother who now regrets her decision to give up a child for adoption can not negate the needs of the many children in our world that are in need of a stable and loving home.

The comparison of adoption to slavery is for shock value. Slavery is a dark time in our nation’s and world’s history. Robinson says that slavery was there “because [we] wanted them {slaves] and society said that [we] could.” Expecting one human to do the jobs another feels is beneath them, at the threat of bodily harm or even loss of life is reprehensible. Many children in the world are left neglected, abused, starved, or treated as slaves of the birth parent who is supposed to love them and keep them safe. All children deserve a life free of such things and the opportunity to be children not the servant of the adult in their lives. Adoption gives these children the chance to have a home and parents who will love them unconditionally. Today we know and understand that all life is important and is not to be thrown away in any form. Adoption is quite the opposite of slavery. It is the opportunity for a child to learn and grow in a world that truly wants them and gives them the chance to become the person they are meant to be. Children are not bought and sold on the street corner or at the local auction with the live stock. Great care is taken in checking out prospective parents preparing them for the obsicales that may arise due to a child’s past or genetic history. Yes adoption is an expensive process but is not for profit of one or two individuals, but the cost of the process of making sure that the child is placed in the right place for their needs.

Robinson’s answer for adoption is to place children with family until the birth mother gets through her rough times. Once again this is a limited view. Consider the situation and family dynamics of a child who is placed for adoption though a state agency. The child is removed from a home where the mother is severely neglecting and abusing the child. In most cases this is not a first time situation, the parent learned this response from somewhere. The state agency’s first priority is family reunification and placing the child with suitable family members if at all possible. However if the parent learned such behaviors from their own parents then placing a child in the same environment with other family members is not a viable option. When grandparents are of an age they cannot take in children or sibling of the parents are not old enough or stable enough to take in children, where are these children to go. There is also every possibility that there is no family member willing to give up the life the currently have to parent this child. Agencies’ give birth families every opportunity to learn parenting skills that are needed. When this fails to happen a child cannot be left hanging in the system indefinitely a permant home must be found. Robinson alludes to huge numbers of children being given back the state agencies after being adopted by parents who decide they no longer want to parent these children. With the training and the entire medical and social history given to the adoptive parents this is rare.

Our history as an entire planet is full of adoption. Ancient cultures would take in the children of enemies and raise them as their own when they were found orphaned. It was not unheard of for an adult to be adopted by a family when his own family was killed. As the Mormons crossed the country on the way to the Great Salt Lake Valley entire families died. From time to time leaving one or more children without any family to care for them on the journey, other families stood up and took that child in to be raised as their own. Yes in most cases children were taken in by family members in the past however we have become a society who thinks only of ourselves now and many of these children would have not relatives to live with.

Robinson’s view is very narrow and tinted by her own feelings of sorrow and grief. She wants to put a stop to what she feels is the cause of her grief. It is a natural response but just proves that she has not dealt with the issues within herself. She is trying to project her own feeling on the whole world and villinazing a very necessary process because she cannot deal with the choices she either made or felt pressured to make.

Why Should You Be Sorry When I Am Not

A few days ago while at the store with my son, Aaron, I had a very familiar experience, for me anyway. A woman commented to me about how cute my 6 year old son was. Then she proceeded to ask him how old he was, his name, the normal things asked in that situation. When she did not get answers, I explained Aaron is deaf, I then preceded to tell him, in American Sign Language, what the woman had asked and he began to “talk” nonstop answering her questions. The woman’s attitude changed from that of “Oh how cute” to one of pity. “I am so sorry he is deaf,” was her comment to me. This is very normal to me after 6 years. I just said, ”Why? I am not.” Her attitude was not unusual. However, it does make me wonder. Why do people consider never having something the loss of something. In the case of my son, he has never had normal hearing. What little he has is all he has ever known and will ever know. To him he is normal and perfectly happy with his life. When all you have ever known is silence, you do not miss the everyday noise of the world. This presents the question “why is the lack of hearing the same as the loss of hearing to our society?” As a society we look at those born deaf as we would look at someone who loses their hearing later in life, someone who is suddenly thrust into silence, my goal to too encourage people to understand that these sounds are not missed when they have never been heard.

In regards to Aaron, he does have, to assist what little hearing he does have, hearing aids. However, to him they are more of a hindrance than a help. To him the sound is annoying and grating on the nerves. He has headaches and really does not understand the meanings behind the noise he hears. He is most happy in his silent world. He has on more than one occasion “lost” his hearing aids because he does not want to wear them. He will very often tell me in sign not to voice to him. With those who due to illness or trauma lose their hearing later in life. These people in most all cases are thrust in to a world that is completely unknown to them. They are quite understandably scared and learning a whole new life. Giving aids and cochlear implants to those who lose hearing later in life hearing makes the loss more bearable. Life can then be more normal. Those who are born deaf or lose hearing at a very young age do not need the sounds of the world to tell them what is going on around them. As they have developed the necessary skills needed to live.

As a parent I have seen the whole gamut; from those who have such pity for my son and his silent world, to understanding, to complete disgust that we do not force hearing aids. Those who pity him usually are just misinformed of what being deaf is. They have bought in to the fact that if you cannot hear you cannot function in the world and will be uneducated and destitute. With my son if they take the time to get to know Aaron they understand that there is nothing to feel sorry for. In fact he is in a deaf class for part of the day at school, and in a regular class with hearing children, the rest of the day. He is ahead of the students in both classrooms. He is happy in his world, and will accomplish whatever he sets his mind to.
Those who understand the world of the deaf usually have personally known a deaf person. They know that the deaf community is just like any other community. It is a community proud and very able to live in the world and be successful. Marly Matlin is a well known actress who happens to be deaf, that has had a successful career. All the deaf community asks is that they be given the same opportunities as the rest of our society.

Unfortunately there are those who think that as a parent I have literally abused my son for not forcing him to wear his hearing aids. They think that hearing is as necessary as air. We have even had Child Protective Services called when Aaron “lost” his hearing aids. The call was made under the assumption of medical neglect. We have had to explain our choice to raise our son deaf, many times before and since. We have also been chastised by family members for not choosing cochlear implants, without even knowing the criteria for the implants or the risks. The assumption was that merely having them the implants was better no matter the risk. They believe that he needs to be normal. For these people the term audist is appropriate. Audism was coined in the mid seventies and is simply defined as discriminating against someone who cannot hear or hears differently. Much like racism and sexism the audist feels that because a person is not of the same sex or color are not capable of performing up to the expectations of the majority.

When you meet me in the store and tell me how cute my son is, do not feel sorry for him. He is smart, kind, loving, and most of all just an ordinary little boy. Instead ask me why I am proud of him, let me brag on him.